Banjo And Kazooie's Quest For Failure
by Tyranitar
Summary: Okay, to be honest, I don't really like the way my writing style was back when I wrote this, my horrible attempts at humor more than anything else, so this story is likely to never be finished. Not like anyone really reads this anyways, hurrr.
1. It Sure Is Boring Around Here

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Banjo-Kazooie or anything else used in this story.

Well, I've had this story sitting on my hard drive for about a year, figured I should finally change it to the correct format, touch it up, and upload it to here. Anyways, as this was written almost a year ago, I have many more chapters left to reformat, update, and upload, so this should have nine chapters up before I have to start coming up with new ideas and such. Anyways, I am not very good at being descriptive at all, I don't know why, it's just hard for me to describe things fluently. I tried adding in descriptive stuff the all the paragraphs/sentences, please tell me if I over described everything, used too many words, if I'm doing it wrong, or if I didn't do enough. Reviews would be appreciated, of course. Flame if you want, I do not mind. I would really, really appreciate, however, if anyone could give me tips on how to make my writing style better, as I enjoy writing, but I don't think I'm very good at it. And tell me how you think I could improve the story, that would be nice too. Anyways, I guess I'll end this now. Sorry for the short chapter, the first few are really short, I'm planning on making the future ones a bit longer. Anyways, enjoy.

--

It's another bright sunny day on Spiral Mountain! :D

Inside Banjo's House…

Banjo The Honeybear stifled a long yawn as he stretched lazily. "Gee, it sure is BORING around here…" he muttered. It had been somewhere between two weeks and five years since Banjo and his friend Kazooie had defeated the evil witch, Gruntilda Whatsherbottoms. Banjo wasn't too keen on keeping track of time, and nobody else on the mountain seemed to have a problem with it.

"Banjo, my friend, this peace is what ALL true video games heroes strive for!" said Banjo's pal, Bottles The Mole, as he adjusted his goggles. Not so much his pal as much as person who barges into said person's house to raid the fridge and recycle horribly stale jokes they heard on television shows from the 1980's which they believe no one else has heard before.

"Well, I just wonder what Grunty's up to…" Banjo slouched down in his chair, depressed and bored. His baby blue eyes half shut, they seemed much duller than usual as they focused on the television in front of him. He had long since grown tired of watching reruns of what he had once thought were his favorite programs, but had since developed into a steady schedule of droll monotony.

"She's probably off somewhere, planning to kill us and take over the world yet again." Banjo's best buddy, Kazooie The Red Crested Breegull, popped her head out of the backpack that was hanging on the hat rack Banjo never used properly. Her crimson feathers slightly matted by an unknown, sticky substance. She had started becoming less and less fond of spending time in the backpack since Banjo had begun storing his Quick-Stop nachos in it without telling her first. "Or whatever it is she's always trying to do. It's been so long since I played th…Since we beat her, I can't even remember what she planned to do in the first place." Her deep, green eyes rolled in her head as she too focused her gaze upon the television showing the same program she had seen countless times in the past week.

Banjo let out another sigh as he sunk even deeper into his seat. "I just wish something new and exciting would happen…"

On cue, Mumbo Jumbo burst through the door, accompanied by self-supplied laugh track. While once a friend of Banjo and Kazooie, he had slowly but steadily become increasingly annoying towards the two, even going so far as to barge into their house at three o'clock in the morning one night, to ask if the two had any derpleberries. Needless to say, Banjo was less than pleased, and if it wouldn't have been for the protective skull that was magically fastened to his head, Mumbo's face would've been detached from the rest of his noggin rather hastily and messily.

"HEY BEAR AND BIRD!" Mumbo shouted, as he had an unfortunate affinity to do frequently and without warning. "GUESS WHAT!"

Looking first at the maniacal expression spread across the shaman's false face, and then at the terrified looks on each other's, the duo frowned. Thinking it rude to not respond, Banjo and Kazooie indulged in Mumbo's request to guess what the news he had in store was.

"You have testicle cancer?" Kazooie asked, quite jovially.

"Safety Dance is on the radio?!" Banjo responded soon after, albeit in a much more serious tone.

Mumbo shook his head gleefully, pleased he had outwitted the bear and bird, at least in his mind. "No, Mumbo have more pictures developed!" The shaman rustled around his shorts/nest until he found a collection of oddly glowing photographs. Pulling them out, he held them just under the honey bear's nose, turned in a way where he could only see the backs.

"…So?" Kazooie asked. She was unaffected by the mysterious glowing of the pictures that had entranced Banjo's gaze instantly.

"Are pictures of STOP 'N SWOP!" Mumbo blurted out, in a voice that he had attempted to make sound mysterious, but ended up sounding rather disturbing, since he was incapable of showing emotion in his voice.

This news sent a shock to Banjo's system like no other. An instant adrenaline rush came over him, taking control of his mind, as he yelled, "OH GOD, I HAVE TO SEE THEM! SHOW THEM TO ME!!"

Mumbo was quite pleased with this situation. Rarely did he ever have the upper hand over the dysfunctional duo, and on the off-chance he did, he made sure to milk it for all it was worth. "No. Mumbo only show bear and bird pictures if they do Mumbo favor!"

"What kind of favor?" Kazooie asked skeptically.

"Oh, just little one!" Mumbo replied, hopping from one foot to the other in glee.

Before Kazooie could issue her response, Banjo blurted out, "I DON'T CARE WHAT TYPE OF FAVOR IT IS, WHAT IS IT?!"

Mumbo lost the spring in his step as he slowly backed away from Banjo. "…Bear scaring me…Oh well, Mumbo just need you do teensy-tiny favor for him."

"Which is…?" Kazooie asked flatly, growing increasingly impatient.

Mumbo looked from the bear to the bird, making sure they were both giving him their undivided attention before he said "Go get Mumbo bag of Doritos!"

Banjo and Kazooie's faces showed stark contrast to one another's, as they stared at Mumbo.

"…That's it?" Kazooie asked, dumbfounded. "You want us to waste our time and energy to get you a lousy bag of Doritos?!" She started glaring at the skulled shaman, her temper boiling over a trivial matter like she was prone to do. "Why don't you get them yourself?"

Mumbo shot a hurt look at the breegull. "Because, Mumbo's feet hurt! And store is too far away from here!"

"Oh well," Kazooie began, anger rising with every word, "We're not going to waste our time on something so stupid, you whiny little baby!"

Kazooie folded her wings and closed her eyes, sticking her beak up at Mumbo.

"SHUT UP KAZOOIE!"

Without warning, Banjo shoved Kazooie down into the backpack and closed it, blocking Kazooie from easy escape.

"SO MUMBO, WHAT FLAVOR DORITOS DO YOU WANT?!"

Mumbo faltered a moment, unaware of his friend's sanity. "Well…Is tough choice…" Mumbo closed his eyes as he contemplated his decision, as he knew it would be crucial no matter what his choice was. "But…Mumbo choose JUNIOR MINT FLAVOR!"

"JUNIOR MINT FLAVORED DORITOS?!"

Kazooie forced her way out of the bag so she could see if Mumbo had said that with a straight face or not. He had, as she feared.

"I've never even HEARD of such a ghastly combination before! You're just making them up! There's no way those things actually exi-"

"I TOLD YOU TO SHUT UP KAZOOIE!"

Banjo again shoved Kazooie back down into his blue backpack, this time putting a padlock on it to ensure Kazooie would be barred from escaping.

"ALRIGHTY MUMBO," Banjo yelled in his frenetic tone. "WE'LL GO GET THEM FOR YOU!"

"Don't take too long," Mumbo said in a serious tone. "Mumbo's stomach starting to make weird noises!"

"OKAY!"

And with that, Banjo yanked the backpack containing his friend off the hat rack, breaking the arm off of it in the process, as he ran outside to begin his and Kazooie's epic quest for Doritos.

--

Well, that's it for chapter one. As I stated at the beginning, tell me what you think if you'd like and feel free to tell me how I can improve it.


	2. Flashbacks Are Always Fun

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Banjo-Kazooie or anything else mentioned in this story.

--

Banjo blinked as he surveyed his surroundings. He was standing in his garden, looking up at Spiral Mountain, only he hadn't a clue why.

"…Hey, Kazooie…" Banjo began to ask, puzzled. "What are we doing outside?" He scratched the back of his head, although it wasn't really itching at all.

"Mumbo's making us get him a bag of Doritos." she replied.

"…Er…" He scratched the back of his head, although it wasn't really itching at all. "Why?"

"Because, he said he had pictures of Stop 'N Swop, causing you to go into the frenzy you usually go into when someone mentions it." Kazooie's response was less than thrilled.

"Again?!" Banjo said, faceplaming/pawing at his own ineptness. "GAH, WHY MUST I BE THIS WAY?!"

"Because you have a low sperm count."

"…Oh yeah." Banjo looked up at the beautiful blue sky, then at the magnificence that was Spiral Mountain, and realized this might be just the break he and Kazooie were looking for. "Well, we might as well go get them anyways!" he said cheerfully. "We've been meaning to go out on another journey for ages now, this is the prefect chance for some hardcore, down and dirty ADVENTURING!" He beamed at his partner, trying to get her into the mood for fun, or something like that.

"Yeah, whatever…" Kazooie rolled her eyes and stuffed her head back into the backpack.

"That's the spirit!" Banjo began to make his way towards the cave to the outside world, until Bottles popped out of one of his molehills, directly in front of the bear and bird.

"Hey guys!" the mole said in an annoyingly chipper voice. Whatcha doin'?"

"We're going to get Mumbo a bag of Doritos!" Banjo replied in an equally annoying tone of voice.

"Ooh, that sounds challenging!" Bottles replied, all the while keeping the fake, plastic grin he had on his face.

"…Wait." Kazooie stuck her head back out of the pack as she looked at Bottles strangely. "Weren't you just in the house when we came out?"

"…No." Bottles replied, shifting his eyes back and forth.

"Yes you were," accused Kazooie, "You know perfectly well what we're doing, so why did you even bother asking us what we were talking about?!"

"…I have absolutely no clue what you're talking about." the mole responded.

"…I hate you." Kazooie said, as she shot a grenade egg at him, causing him to die instantly because grenades tend to do that to moles.

"KAZOOIE!" Banjo yelled at the breegull. "Didn't we go through all of the second game just to bring him back to life?!"

"I don't care, he sucked." retorted the bird, pleased with herself for finally doing what everyone else was afraid to do.

"…Fair enough. Now," Banjo began, as he pointed a finger at the cave of destinations, "Let's go get those Doritos!"

And so, Banjo and Kazooie head off through the cave of ultimate dimensions.

"Hey Kazooie," Banjo questioned, as he stepped through the rocky terrain made of fallen stars and solidified molten space, "Do you remember the time that we entered the racing tournament with the go-karts?"

"No."

"Well, I remember it as if it were yesterday…"

Suddenly, the whole screen begins to fade and distort until we see a lush, green island with a giant pig head carved into a mountain. Banjo drives around in his little astroturf colored go-kart until he sees a large, purple elephant dressed like a genie.

"OH MY GOD!" Banjo proclaimed, as his eyes became the size of Barry Bonds' head. "IT'S A GIANT PURPLE ELEPHANT!"

"Hello my friend!" the elephant greeted friendlily, speaking in a distinctly rough Bostonian accent. "My name is Taj, and I have brought you here to Thatonetigersnamewhichiforget Island because RYAN LEAF HAS BEEN KIDNAPPED BY WIZPIG AND HE'S PLANNING ON USING HIM AS THE POSTER BOY FOR HIS NEW FRANCHISE OF LICENSED FOOTBALL VIDEO GAMES!"

"Hmm…" Banjo pondered. "How can we help?"

"It is written," Taj said, as he got an old, yellowed scroll out of his turban, "Only Pipsy may defeat Wizpig!"

"…Pipsy?" Banjo asked, confused. "Who's that?"

"She is a small yellow mouse." explained Taj. "She is the only female I brought to this island because girls are gross, but I owed a favor to her dad, so he made me take her."

"…Well, if she's the only one capable of defeating Wizpig, then why did you bring me and all these other LOSERS who DON'T wear YELLOW SHORTS and BLUE BACKPACKS here?" Banjo questioned, putting extra emphasis on random words.

"Because," Taj began, "I am holding a contest to see who can rescue our beloved automatic number one draft pick and future NFL Hall of Fame Quarterback Legend from that pig's foul grasp first! Whoever wins I kill and replace with Pipsy!"

"…That doesn't seem like a very good reason…" Banjo said, getting ready to leave.

"And also whoever wins each race gets a MAGICAL GOLDEN BALLOON!" Tag added, much like a used car dealer adds "A BRAND NEW COAT OF PAINT!" to a car that was fished out of a lake.

"REALLY?!" Banjo exclaimed, his interests suddenly piqued. " I LOVE BALLOONS!"

"Excellent." Taj said, tapping his fingers together in succession.

"Hey, elephants don't have fingers!" Banjo pointed out.

"Hey look, there's a free, complimentary balloon on that ramp up there!" Taj said as he pointed towards the ramp leading into Dino Domain.

"OH BOY!" Banjo said happily and crazed, as he drove into the balloon.

And as he went through the large double-doors, the screen faded and warped back to present time, the where Banjo and Kazooie are, in a happy, sunny meadow.

"So, you remember now, right?" Banjo asked.

"…Nope."

"Well shucks…" Banjo looked down at the ground as he kicked the dirt in disappointment. Looking up, he saw the aforementioned grocery store the duo were planning on going to in order to acquire the Doritos. "Hey look, we're here!"

"I can see that, Banjo." Kazooie replied, as they were already standing at the entrance doors.

"Goody!" Banjo squealed with glee. "Let's go get those Doritos!"

And so, Banjo proceeded to walk straight into the cold and unmoving door. "Hey!" Banjo said, as he jiggled the handle. "The door's stuck!"

"Well, isn't THAT lovely…" muttered Kazooie, slouching back into the backpack yet again.

"Wait, what's this?" Banjo said suddenly, as he punched through the glass of the door to grab the piece of paper stuck to the other side. "Hey, it's a note!"

"Banjo, your hand is bleeding profusely." Kazooie told him in an uninterested voice.

"Shut up Kazooie, I'm trying to read this!" Reaching into his pocket and getting a pair of reading glasses out, Banjo put them on and began to read the mysterious paper. "It says 'Dear pesky plumbers, the Koopalings and I have'…Oh, darn blood, quit obscuring the writing!" Wiping the blood off the paper, Banjo began to read it again. "Alright Kazooie, what it really says is 'Closed on Lamp Day'!"

Both of them stood in silence for a moment, before looking at each other and exclaiming "LAMP DAY?!" simultaneously.

"What the-Lamp Day?!" cried Banjo.

"Argh, this sucks!" shouted Kazooie, not amused at all.

"I know!" Banjo agreed. "I completely forgot to turn all the lamps on back at the house! Now the Great Lamp Fairy won't grant me my wish!"

Speechless at her friend's insufferable idiocy, Kazooie could think of no reply. So she drilled her beak into the back of his skull.

"OUCH!" wailed Banjo as he clutched the back of his head in pain. "What'd you do that for?!"

"Because, if the grocery store is closed, then where are we going to get the Doritos?!" Kazooie explained angrily.

"Oh, that's easy!" replied Banjo. "TO THE GAS STATION!"

--

Blame three consecutive Viagra commercials for that one part. And I have nothing against Bottles, I just decided to make all the characters annoying for no reason. The part about Pipsy being the only one able to beat Wizpig comes from my friend telling me he could only beat the game with Pipsy back in my childhood days. I always used Tiptup though, because he had that awesome sky blue kart/plane/hovercraft. I always sucked at the game too. Oh, and one last thing, tell me if I overuse a word, I have a habit of doing that without noticing...


	3. Titanic Terror

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Banjo-Kazooie or anything else mentioned in this story.

--

Banjo and Kazooie trekked to the gas station, up large, perilous mountains, through dark, perilous caves, and across vast, perilous oceans. It was long, arduous, and perilous journey to be sure.

"So, anyways, back to the flashback!" Banjo proclaimed after forty-two minutes of complete silence, barring his horribly off-key humming of Smooth Criminal. And on cue, the screen began to warp and distort again until we see what appears to be a party on the last flashback's island.

"Guh-huh!" said a jubilant Banjo, who was in the middle of a conga line between Stone Cold Steve Austin's pet alligator and Ryan Leaf. "Gee, it sure ISN'T boring around here! I just won every single race AND beat all those gigantic animals with the horrifyingly nightmarish voices, regardless of what the prophecy said!"

Looking proudly over the island, the bear began to walk off towards the exit, his mission accomplished. However, his stride was broken midway by the elephant from before.

"You-You FOOL!" the elephant yelled at him.

"Who, me?" Banjo questioned, regardless of the fact that their was no one else within speaking distance of the elephant.

"Yes, you! Do you realize what you've done?!" the pachyderm asked him in a panicked voice.

"Guh…I reckon I just won the game, did I not?" Banjo answered innocently.

"No, you fool, you've just doomed us all!" the elephant accused him.

"W-What?" stuttered Banjo. "But I didn't do anythi-"

"Did you not remember the scroll?!" the elephant screamed at him, as he pulled the scroll out of his turban again. "It clearly said 'Only Pipsy can defeat Wizpig'!"

"But…I beat him easily!"

"And that is where you made a FATAL ERROR!" the elephant continued to glare at Banjo, who was now feeling rather downtrodden. "It said only PIPSY may defeat him, as in the only person ALLOWED to defeat him was Pipsy! But since YOU just HAD had to be an over-achieving do-gooder, you have created a time paradox and ensured the future will be ruined forever!"

"…Well gosh, I didn't mean to do THAT…" Banjo said meekly. "But…Everything seems to be alright, doesn't it?"

At that moment, T.T. grew fifty feet and devoured Taj.

"…Well poop." Banjo uttered. "Oh wait, I know!" Banjo dug around in his backpack until he found a red and white ball that looked like an oversized fishing lure. Throwing it, he exclaimed "GO MEWTWO!", and as the ball hit the ground, a tall, white, cat-like creature emerged from it. "MEWTWO, YOU HAFTA SAVE US!"

"As you require, I shall-" began the creature, before it layed eyes on the enormous stopwatch. "OH GOD, IS THAT A GIANT CLOCK?!"

"Well, y-yes, it is…" Banjo answered. "But you can just-"

But Banjo could not finish his sentence before the creature had fled in terror.

"…Well…There's only one thing to do in this situation…" Banjo said to himself grimly. Reaching into his pocket, he pulled out a small, jade ring. Putting it on his finger, he held his arm out into the air and shouted "EARTH!"

In quick succession, the other racers reached into their own pockets and pulled out their own, uniquely colored rings.

"FIRE!" proclaimed a chimpanzee wearing a red shirt and corporately sponsored hat.

"WIND!" exclaimed Pipsy, the mouse who was supposed to have won but didn't because Banjo decided to be greedy and win every single magic balloon for himself.

"WATER!" proclaimed a turtle, who had an incredibly manly aura about him.

"HEAR-" began Stone Cold's alligator pal, but he was cut off by a panda/koala/some type of bear wearing a red hat mischievously turned backwards, who yelled loudly and obnoxiously "TATERTOTS!"

A deep, loud trembling began to shake the earth. Fleeing in terror, all the animals feel into the fissure. Falling to his doom, Banjo saw his life flash before his eyes.

"I…I've done nothing but wear fabulously in-style yellow shorts! I'm such a failure…"

Suddenly, Banjo felt himself falling upwards. Opening his eyes, he realized that he was, in fact, flying. Turning around to see who his savior was, he saw a red plane being piloted by a small, orange fox, who winked and gave him a thumbs up. In actuality, it was a red crested breegull, but Banjo had lost consciousness and was seeing strange things.

"Wow, aren't you that girl from that one baseball game with the talking flowers?" Banjo asked his heroine woozily.

"I have no idea who or what you're talking about, mister!" replied the bird in a kind, gentle voice.

"Oh wait, my mistake, your voice is far too masculine to be who I'm thinking of."

Banjo suddenly felt himself plummeting towards earth yet again, this time crashing into the giant evil stopwatch, causing him to crack in half and release many, many small animals, all of whom bounced off in random directions, many into the ocean or into solid walls repeatedly in an endless loop.

Regaining consciousness hours later, Banjo opened his eyes to see the worried face of the breegull who had saved him looking down at him. Seeing him open his eyes, the bird's face instantly lit up.

"Hooray, you're awake!"

"…Durr…Who are you?" Banjo asked the bird, not fully awake and in a somewhat drunken state.

"My name's Kazooie, and I just happened to be passing through the area when I saw you falling into that large crevice that's for some reason completely disappeared!" the bird answered happily. "I mean, I saw all those other people falling into it as well, but none of them looked as incomparably manly as you, nor did they have such magnificently form-fitting yellow shorts as you did, so obviously I put your safety and well-being before all of theirs!"

"Well, that was certainly convenient!" Banjo said, fully awake at last. "My name's Banjo, and I'm…A bear!"

"Oh, really?" said Kazooie. "Well, I'm a breegull, an extremely rare type of bird on the verge of extinction!"

"Wow, really? We have so much in common! We should really stay in contact with each other! I live on Spiral Mountain, deep in the countryside of Arkantexasippisas! Where do you live?" Banjo questioned eagerly.

"…Well…I…" the bird mumbled, looking down at her feet. "I have no home…My parents abandoned me as a child and I was raised by a famous British comedian who's name escapes me at the moment. He died when I was two in an unfortunate accident involving a blender…"

Seeing the tears falling from the breegull's sad face, Banjo couldn't help but feel responsible. "Well gee, that's terrible! I'm sorry for bringing it up!"

"Oh, no, it's okay…" the bird replied, brushing away tears with her wing.

Feeling awful, Banjo tried to think of some way to repay the bird's earlier kindness. Suddenly, he had an idea that might've been just crazy enough to work. "Hey, wait! Kazooie, how would you like to live with me and my sister?"

Looking into Banjo's eyes, Kazooie's face brightened. "You-You really mean it?"

"Guh-huh!"

"I…I…I'd love to!" rushing towards the bear, Kazooie gave him a big hug, crying into him. "Oh, thank you Banjo! Thank you so, so much!"

After learning of greed's dire, dire consequences, Banjo had somehow redeemed himself, and in the process, discovered the true meaning of friendship. But not all was happy in the land known as Island World, a dark and sinister force was plotting to break our heroes apart and destroy the entire universe! Will they be able to find out about it and stop it, before it's too late? Find out about this and more on next week's exciting episode of NASCAR Chronicles: Magical Journey of the Kitten Rangers!

And with that, the credits started to roll as the screen began to transition back to the current time, where our intrepid duo were at their destination at last.

"…And that's how we met!" Banjo finished, his hour long narration finally subsiding.

"…Banjo…" Kazooie had climbed out of the backpack and was staring the bear right in the eye. "That was a beautiful and perfect recreation of what happened. There's only one problem with it."

"There is?" Banjo asked, perplexed.

"Yes, just the simple fact that NONE OF THAT EVER HAPPENED!" Kazooie screamed at him with enough force to push him through the gas station door.

"Oh hey, we're here!" Banjo said, ever so slyly changing the subject.

Walking through the doorway to join her incompetent but well-meaning pal, Kazooie strolled to the counter to ask the cashier about what they had traveled all that way for.

But Banjo pushed her away into a rack of corn chips so he could do it instead.

"Excuse me sir, do you have any bags of Junior Mint Flavored Doritos?"

"Of course!" replied the man, in a fakely nice voice. "They're right over…OH GOOD LORD, THEY'RE GONE!"

Looking at each other with expressions of sheer horror, Banjo and Kazooie simultaneously exclaimed "WHAT?!" at the top of their voices.

Suddenly, a shrill, ear-splitting laughter echoed throughout the convenience store.

"EEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEE!"

"OH MY GOD!" cried Kazooie. "THAT LAUGH! IT'S IT'S-"

--

Ooh, wonder who it could be.

I'd also like to point out that T.T. terrified me as a child and that this is probably the worst chapter I've ever written of anything.


	4. A Rather Short Chapter

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Banjo-Kazooie or anything else in this story.

--

"THAT LAUGH!" Kazooie resumed. "IT'S-"

"HAHAHA, THAT IS RIGHT! IT IS I, MOJO JOJO!" revealed the green-skinned monkey who had emitted the laugh. "AND I AM HERE TO…BUY SOME JUNIOR MINT FLAVORED DORITOS!"

"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWD, NO WAY!" yelled Banjo in the most annoying way you could ever imagine. "WE'RE here to get the exact same thing!"

"Really?" retorted the monkey. "Hahahahaha, what a coincidence, eh?"

"Boy, I'll say!" replied Banjo.

"Well," the cashier exclaimed suddenly, "I'm sorry to tell you boys, but I'm afraid we're all out of those!"

"WHAT?!" Banjo and Mojo cried at the same time. "WHY?!"

"Because", began the cashier, with a hint of evil in his voice, "I've BOUGHT THE LAST BAG!"

With that, the cashier ripped of his skin to reveal it was actually Grunty all along!

Banjo and Kazooie gasped together, as they stared at Grunty in shock and anger.

"THAT'S RIGHT FOOLS, IT'S ME!" the witch let out an evil cackle before she added "AND I'VE GOT THE LAST BAG OF JUNIOR MINT FLAVORED DORITOS IN ALL OF SPIRAL MOUNTAIN!"

Since I'm running out of ways to say simultaneously, I'll just say that Banjo, Kazooie, and Mojo all wailed "NO!" at the top of their lungs all in one voice.

"That's right, and unless you can collect ALL the Jiggies I've hidden throughout the many worlds, you will never lay claim to them!"

With a final cackle, Grunty flew off to her castle, leaving the bear and bird in total awe.

"…Well, Kazooie…" Banjo finally said, breaking the long silence. "Looks like we've got another adventure on our hands!"

"Wha-FOR A BAG OF DORITOS?!" yelled Kazooie. NO WAY IN UNDERWHERE, BANJO!"

"But Kazooie!" pleaded Banjo. "How else are we gonna get Mumbo to show us the pictures?"

"It would be so much easier to make him turn his back and then snatch the pictures out of his pocket. OR JUST KILL HIM." Kazooie reasoned.

"…What's the fun in that?"

Facewinging, Kazooie decided not to add any more fuel to Banjo's fire of stupidity and just climbed back into his backpack.

"Welp, guess we'd better get a move on if we wanna get all those Jiggies!" Banjo said exuberantly. "Well, guess we'll be seein' you around, Mojo! Hope you find whatever it was you were looking for!"

"Oh, thank you, stranger! Be sure to come back to visit some time!" Mojo replied with one of those looks on his face.

"Alright, bye!" Banjo said, as he and Kazooie waved back at Mojo happily, as he did the same to them.

And so, our heroes met a new friend, in the most unexpected of places! They also stopped the dastardly Team Rocket from taking all those innocent orphans Pokemon yet again! Of course, B.A. had to be hit on the back of the head with a milk carton in order to get him on the plane, but in the end, our heroes made a new friend, in the most unexpected of places, and discovered the true meaning of friendship. And so, as they continue their journey towards the Indigo Plateau, what zany antics await our plucky heroes? Tune in next time to find out! But for now, they wave goodbye to their new found friend, whom they had met in the most unexpected of places, happily thinking of when they would meet again!

Then the gas station blows up.

--

Yeah, this chapter was really short. The next few chapters are a bit longer than usual though, I think. Anyways, Mojo totally came out of left field, eh? Expect this trend of totally random characters from who knows where popping up for no good reason throughout the course of this story. :D But hey, at least the real plot of the story has finally been set up!


	5. Foreshadowing, Anyone?

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Banjo-Kazooie or anything else mentioned in this story.

--

"So," Banjo said as he did absolutely nothing worth mentioning in the least, "What's the first world?"

"Green level with lots of trees and mountains." Kazooie replied halfheartedly.

"WOO!" Banjo shouted, pumping his fist in the air. "LET'S DO THIS THING!"

Banjo and Kazooie step through the portal to the first world, Togepiland.

"Woo, what do we do first?" Banjo asked, as he knew as well as everyone else that Kazooie was the master strategist and brains of the team.

"Beat the boss?" suggested a clueless Kazooie.

"LET'S DO IT!"

Banjo begins to walk forward, confidence flowing through him.

"WAIT JUST A MINUTE, MAGGOTS!"

Whipping her head around, Kazooie instantly facewinged at the horrible visage she saw before her. "Oh god, not YOU…" she said in a disgusted tone of voice.

"Oh, hey there Jamjars!" Banjo greeted, oblivious to Kazooie's blind hatred for the mole.

"That's right!" remarked Jamjars, ignoring Banjo's comment. "You two aren't going to get anywhere unless you learn all my brand new moves!"

"Ugh…" Kazooie let out in disgust. "Let me guess, you need the music notes floating around everywhere throughout the worlds?"

"Hahahaha!" Jamjars laughed at Kazooie's statement. "No way, I need you to collect the WADS OF CASH that are hidden throughout the levels so I can get enough money to buy that new Pokemon game that's out for the Virtual Boy!"

"Hmm…That sounds surprisingly simple." Kazooie replied. "So, how many wads of cash do you need for the first move?"

"Ten-thousand, five-hundred and twenty!"

"WHAT?!" Kazooie said, choking. "There's no way there's that many wads of cash in all the worlds!"

"Well, fine then, if you don't need my help-" Jamjars began.

"No wait, we'll find you the wads of cash!" Banjo interjected, causing Kazooie to hate life even more.

"Good, good!" Jamjars said as he rubbed his hands together greedily. "Anyways, I gotta go, my brother's gotten himself killed again and mom's making me mourn for him. You know parents."

"No, not really." replied Kazooie.

"…Shut up." Jamjars said as he dove back into his silo.

"Banjo, we're not going to be able to find that much money." Kazooie told her friend.

"What are you talking about?" Banjo asked, confused, holding a giant sack of money.

"What the…Where did you get that?!" Kazooie demanded to know.

"Oh, I just sold my spleen over the internet, nothing important!" Banjo answered with a grin of a job well done on his face.

"…How did you get your spleen out?" Kazooie asked without thinking.

"Well, first I had to-"

"ON SECOND THOUGHT, SHUT UP." Kazooie snatched the bag from Banjo and examined it's innards to make sure Banjo wasn't lying. "Let's just give soldier boy the cash so we can learn the new move so we can beat the boss so we can get the Jiggy so we can get the Doritos so we can get Mumbo to show us the pictures."

"…What?"

Kazooie walked over to Jamjars' silo and rapped upon it with her beak. Moments later, Jamjars stuck his head out, all according to plan.

"What do you want, fleabag?" Jamjars spat at Kazooie, glaring at her under his sunglasses.

"We have your stupid money, now teach us the new move!" she replied.

"FANTASTIC!" jumping out of the silo, Jamjars started his tape deck playing his little military ditty. "Alright maggots, listen up! This here move is called the 'Sack Whack'! Oh, but it's only for the bird, so you'll have to lose lardo before I can teach it to you. Toodles!"

"Wait a minu-" Kazooie began, but was cut off by Jamjars jumping back into the silo before she could finish. "Oh great, now we have to find a split up pad before we can do anything else!"

"But Kazooie, you're already outside of the backpack…" Banjo stated.

"…Oh. AWESOME, THAT MEANS WE DON'T HAVE TO-"

And then Kazooie is warped back to the backpack.

"…I hate you Rare." Kazooie muttered to herself.

"Well, guess I'd better go and find that split up pad now, guh-huh!"

With that, Banjo set off across the land, searching far and wide, to find DAT DERE SPLIT UP PAD so that he and Kazooie could understand the power that's inside. (A.K.A. the true meaning of friendship/awesome Huey Lewis & The News songs)

But then he got distracted by shiny things.

"Hey Kazooie, look what I found!" Banjo exclaimed excitedly.

"Is it the split up pad?" Kazooie asked eagerly.

"No, it's a really shiny ball!" he proclaimed, as he proudly held out a gold and silver ball adorned with the letters "GS".

"Oh, wow! That IS a really shiny ball!" Kazooie replied in amazement, with a colon dee look on her face. "That's really amazing Banjo, I've never been prouder of you! There's really only one thing I can think of that could possibly make me any happier than I am at this very moment!"

"Really?" Banjo replied, incredibly happy and proud that he had at long last done something that pleased Kazooie rather than angering her. "What is it?"

"Well, I know it'd probably be really hard for you to do, Banjo, but it would be really nice if you were to PUT THAT UGLY THING BACK IN THE TRASH HEAP WHERE YOU GOT IT AND KEEP LOOKING FOR THAT BLOODY SPLIT UP PAD INSTEAD OF WASTING TIME FINDING USELESS LITTLE TRINKETS THAT COULDN'T POSSIBLY BE ANY HELP TO US AT ALL!" she screamed at him in rage, turning his colon dee face into a dee colon face instantaneously.

"Aww…" Banjo sighed as he chucked the ball into the river. Depressed again, as usual, he began his half-hearted search for the split up pad.

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MEANWHILE, IN GRUNTY'S TOWER…

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"Eeheeheeheehee…" Grunty cackled to herself as she watched the bear and bird's fruitless progress on the Togepiland monitor of her patented Wall Of World Monitors. "Those fools, they don't realize what they're getting into this time! They may have beaten me countless times in the past, but this time my plan is foolproof!"

As she continued cackling to herself, Grunty swiveled around in her chair and caught something out of the corner of her eye. Sending a spell in the direction of the disturbance, she quickly flushed the intruder out of hiding.

"SNOOPING AS USUAL, I SEE?" Grunty boomed at the intruder.

"Ehehe…Sorry Grunts." replied the intruder sheepishly, his face as red as Kazooie's feathers. "You know I can't help myself…"

"Yes, yes, I suppose so." Grunty said as she got up and walked over to the intruder. "Just what am I going to do with you, Jellycans?"

"Well, er, actually, Miss Grunty sir, it's Jam-"

"IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOUR NAME IS!" Grunty barked, knocking the mole on his posterior. "All that matters is that you continue doing as you're told so that my cunning and devious plan may reach fruition!"

"Y-Yes sir!" the mole answered nervously, saluting her.

"Now, get back down to level one, I believe those idiots may have finally found that blasted split up pad, so birdbrain will be knocking on your little tin can any time now. We don't want you to blow your cover this early, do we, dearie?"

"N-No sir!" replied the mole, saluting her again as he jumped back into the silo leading to Togepiland.

"Eeheeheeheehee…Soon, very soon, my plan with begin to unfold, and that imbecilic furball and his hideous fowl-mouthed friend will fall right into my trap!" Spinning around in her chair to face the camera, Grunty pumped her fist as she proclaimed, "VICTORY SHALL BE MINE!"

--

Oh noes, just what does Grunty have in store for our intrepid heroes? And in this chapter, by request, we see Jamjars snooPING AS usual. Will even MORE snooping be afoot the next chapter? Who knows (not me)! :D


	6. This Chapter Contains An Unrelated Segue

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Banjo-Kazooie nor anything else mentioned in this story.

* * *

"Hey idiot, I'm back to learn my new move!" Kazooie yelled, banging on Jamjars' silo. It had taken three hours, but at long last Banjo had found a split up pad. After giving Banjo a substantially large piece of her mind on the matter, Kazooie went to find Jamjars so she could learn the new move that Banjo had sold his spleen for. "Come on, it took forever to find that dumb split up pad! Where are you?!"

Eventually, Jamjars popped out, oblivious to the fact that Kazooie had been banging on the lid for about two minutes. "Alright you hideous beast, this move's called the 'Sack Whack'!"

"Yes, you've said that before." Kazooie reminded him. "And anyways, didn't you already teach Banjo that move in the second game?"

"Of course I didn't, you ugly little rooster!" Jamjars replied arrogantly. "Now listen up and listen good!" Jamjars pressed a button on his tape deck and his little ditty began to play. "In front of enemy you'll stand, for this move you will not need hands! Line up foot adjacently, then swiftly kick between their knees! Press B thrice they won't get up, they'll regret not wearing cups!"

Turning his tape off, Jamjars gave Kazooie an arrogant smirk. "Well, that was certainly worth the money, wasn't it?"

Kazooie narrowed her eyes at the mole as she grinned maliciously. "Why yes, it was." she said, an evil glint in her eye. "As a matter of fact, I think I'll try it out right now!"

Seeing Kazooie rear her leg back, Jamjars hastily and desperately jumped back into his silo, causing Kazooie to smash her foot against the side of it.

"MY FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT!" Kazooie wailed in pain, as she hopped up and down on her non-broken foot, holding the injured one in her wings.

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////  
AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY UNRELATED SO I HAVE A WAY TO SEGUE INTO THE NEXT SEGMENT

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

(This part is nothing but an inside joke and a horrible segue that for whatever reason I thought was a good idea when I typed it at 3:00 AM whenever I wrote it. It has nothing to do with Banjo-Kazooie, so ignore it if you'd like.)

"MY NAME'S GENKI, AND I LIKE YELLING CONSTANTLY IN THE MOST OBNOXIOUS VOICE YOU COULD IMAGINE! AND I'M NOT GOING TO LET YOU GET AWAY WITH WHAT YOU'VE DONE! YOU'RE A BADDIE, BUT I KNOW YOU HAVE SOME GOOD IN YOUR HEART! COME ON, I'LL SHOW YOU THAT IT'S MUCH BETTER BEING A GOODIE! GOODIES RULE!" shouted a young boy with an orange baseball cap, yellow rollerblades, and a rather bland t-shirt and shorts combo.

"Heh…You pathetic little whelp." replied the creature. With one swift motion, it sent countless balls of energy towards each of the heroes, enveloping them in never-ending darkness.

"GRR, IF THAT'S HOW YOU PLAY THEN TAKE THIS!" yelled the boy, as he got up and ran towards the creature, rollerblading at full speed right at him. Chuckling, the creature did not move. Instead, he simply waved his arm in front of him as the boy reached him, knocking him backward into his friends.

"GENKI!" cried a teenaged girl, rushing over to the fallen boy.

"GRR, TORPEDO ATTACK!" yelled a blue and white wolf, charging at blinding speeds towards the seemingly indestructible creature, and doing some indiscernible attack in it's general direction. To which the creature merely teleported to a different spot, causing the wolf to smash headfirst into the mountainside.

"NO, TIGER!" screamed the girl from earlier.

"Heh. Such pathetically underpowered fools." the creature said quietly, grinning in a way to draw the ire of each and every one of his opponents.

One by one, the rest of the monsters tried to attack the creature, but since I hate describing battles, especially ones with absolutely no relevance towards the plot of the story, we'll just say the creature blocked every attack easily. At last, the creature slowly and silently floated over to where the boy had fallen, still spouting off at the creature, as if he had a chance. The fool.

"And now, you see the price you pay when you cross paths with the great and omnipotent Mewtwo, destroyer of everything." the creature said coldly, rising into the air.

"WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?!" the girl yelled at him in a desperate tone of voice. "WHAT HAVE WE DONE TO YOU TO CAUSE YOU TO DO THIS?! YOU DON'T HAVE A BADDIES CREST, SO WHY WOULD YOU DO SOMETHING AS HORRIBLE AS THIS?!"

Closing his eyes, the creature chuckled. That chuckle slowly grew into a maddening laugh. "You want to know why it is I attacked you and decimated this village? I'll tell you why! BECAUSE I-"

"Oh hey Mewtwo, there you are!" said a small, floating creature with a star shaped head cheerfully. "I've been looking all over for you!"

Turning his head around to see the person addressing him, Mewtwo's look of insanity quickly faded away. "Hi Shiny!" he greeted jovially, a colon dee look beamed upon his face. "I was just going to get us some ice cream, but this terrible, terrible village didn't have any! So, it had to be duly punished."

"Mewtwo!" the smaller creature replied, hands on her hips. "What have I told you about decimating things?"

Mewtwo looked down at the ground, a sad look upon his face, hands behind his back, playing with the smoldering ashes spewn across the dirt with his toe. "I know…I can't be a good guy if I destroy the people I'm s'posed to protect…"

"That's right, Mewtwo. Now, I know my dead boyfriend put a lot of the wrong ideas in your head, so it'd probably be best if you just forgot everything he ever told you!" the smaller creature explained.

"…Alright…" Mewtwo replied sheepishly.

"Good!" the creature replied with a shiftsix underscore shiftsix face. "Now, we should be getting back home soon, it's getting dark and you know how Luke hates to be left alone at night!"

"All the reason for us to stay here longer…" Mewtwo muttered under his breath. "Oh well, sorry for decimating that village, you guys…I overreact a little sometimes…"

"Oh, uh…That's alright!" replied the boy, who for some reason had already fully recovered. "But you know what this means, don'tcha?"

"…I get to go home and eat ice cream?"

"No, silly, it means that we're friends for life now!"

Mewtwo returned the group's cheerful expressions with one of utter horror and revulsion. "N-NO! THAT CAN'T BE TRUE!" he yelled, in the same psychotic tone as earlier. "SHINY IS MY ONLY FRIEND! NO ONE ELSE COULD LIKE A HORRIBLE MUTANT SUCH AS MYSELF OTHER THAN MY DEAD BEST FRIEND'S GIRLFRIEND! NOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOONE!!!"

And with that, Mewtwo flew off, cackling like a hyena, shadow balls flying in every direction, causing utter chaos everywhere.

Then he and Shiny went home and had large amounts of delicious raspberry ice cream.

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ALRIGHT, THE HORRIBLE SEGUE IS OVER! :D

///////////////////////////////////////////////////////

Kazooie miserably trekked back to where Banjo remained. As he came into the breegull's view, she could see he had an odd, gleaming object in his hand, and a rather satisfied look on his face.

Seeing Kazooie marching towards him with an incredibly irritated look on her face, Banjo hastily put his hands behind his back, hiding the object he was holding. Hoping she didn't see it, he put a gigantic grin on his face and greeted Kazooie loudly.

"HEYA KAZOOIE, WHERE YA BEEN?"

"Oh, Banjo…" Kazooie began, ignoring his loudness. "Care to tell me what that is you're hiding behind your back?"

Panicking, Banjo scrambled for an answer. "Oh, uh th-this?" Banjo stuttered, as he held out a large, green gem, about the size of his fist. "I…I found this in my pocket just now!"

"Oh, really? You did?" Kazooie asked, innocently.

"Uh, y-yeah, of course I did!" Banjo answered, as he began to sweat.

"Hmm, would you mind sharing with me how it got there?"

"Er…Uh…I…I…IT'S FROM THAT TRIP WE TOOK TO ALASKA!" he blurted out all at once.

"Are you sure, Banjo?" Kazooie asked. "Because I sure don't remember buying any giant emeralds when we went."

"Oh, that's simple!" Banjo said. "I stole it!"

"…Fair enough." Kazooie replied. "Let's go, then."

Bewildered, Banjo quickly stuffed the emerald into the seat of his pants. "So Kazooie, what did ol' Jamjars teach ya?"

"Well," she began, "It's quite possibly the funnest move I've ever learned. I'll just HAVE to show it to you some time."

Slightly worried by the eerie grin on her face as she said that, Banjo decided to change the subject. "So, where should we head next, then?"

"Well, I saw an interesting building on my way back here…"

* * *

Yeeeeeeeah...Sorry for just disappearing like that. Anyways, if the segue is too sucky, tell me and I'll replace it with something else. I have nothing against the Monster Rancher anime, I actually like it, I just find it silly how kiddy it is, at least the dub. I mean seriously, "Goodies Rule!"? That's gotta be the lamest victory cry I've ever heard. The Mewtwo and Jirachi part is just a horrible in-joke that only one other person on the planet will get. And sorry for the "Sack Whack" thing, I couldn't resist having some stupid joke like that in the story. All in all, I think this chapter is pretty crappy, I might even have to rewrite it. But anyways, enjoy, if you can.


End file.
